Stronger than our sorrows

Sometimes I wonder where I’ve read those words for the first time. They usually come back to me when I feel something cold deep inside my heart for no particular reason. That’s an odd feeling especially when it’s not supposed to be there, maybe while enjoying a pleasant moment all of a sudden the mind plays tricks on us. Like thinking about some sad memories of the past or not feeling as happy as expected after a good day.

That’s a quite common thing and generally nothing to worry about. However, on a recurring basis we should take it as a warning from our mind, saying something like this: “Look, something has been bothering you for a while. Better to take care of it or it won’t stop messing with you”. That makes more sense than the common advice we usually get. You know, the evergreen just keep yourself busy, don’t think about it and everything will be fine. It might work but there are more effective ways. For example, by not trying to bury these feelings before understanding what’s going on with a clear, unbiased mind.

It’s tempting to get rid of them the moment they appear, but it helps to spend some time and get to know them better. When do they occur? Is there something that triggers these thoughts?

The more you get familiar with these negative moments, the more chances you have to get them over with. That’s not an easy task, it feels uncomfortable to dig down and find the root of the problem. That’s right, when did it all start? It might be something trivial or perhaps a grudge you’ve been holding for a long time.

Toyota founder Sakichi Toyoda in the 30s invented a way to deal with complex issues called The 5 Whys technique. Every time a problem occurred in the factory he asked why and got the first answer straight away, it was not good enough: “Ok, but why did that other thing happen?”

This process was repeated five times until they got to the root that triggered all the chain of events. It’s still a popular problem solving technique used in industrial/product design. That got me to thinking because — if you’ll pardon the expression — I’m in a pretty good shitstorm and on my way out. Why? Well, sometimes a single answer doesn’t explain it all.

A year and half ago at some point it looked like everything around me was falling apart, and it did. Murphy’s law at its finest.

My work, my marriage. The virus was spreading fast. I tried to focus on what mattered the most and to change the direction we were heading to like a crazy train. Needless to say, it was too little, too late. We were done. We finally decided to go back to Italy for some time to take care of all the paperwork. Time passed by, most of which spent trying to figure out how it could happen.

To make sense of this — if there was any — I had to delve deeply into myself and eventually to look back in time. My childhood was good until my father got Alzheimer’s disease. It developed slowly and steadily for 20 years until he passed away in 2018. He was a funny man, always ready for a joke. My mother while being nice and caring was also quite anxious and not so communicative. She’s always been worried about trivial things. When my father got sick all these vibrations took over in the house.

She couldn’t help it, that’s her personality. But there’s always been a sort of detached communication in that house, something my parents most likely experienced during their childhood too. Another chain of events, problems were mostly buried if considered at all. Long story short, I’ve never been taught to deal with difficulties. Hard conversations were ducked like an elusive boxer and nothing has basically changed since then. I had to learn these things by myself, often by letting my emotions go.

It reminds me of Homer Simpson teaching his kids a ‘valuable’ lesson: “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try!”

As an empathetic person it was painful to live in this situation. This probably didn’t help me during my childhood and even later. If only I was more open about the ongoing issues around me, chances are the outcomes would have been different. Instead I tried to keep going until I got off the rails. Well, now it’s time to rebuild and fill the blank canvas ahead of me. The good news is, I might have found that famous root of the problem, where it all started.

It would be foolish to blame my family for everything. Our parents have a huge influence on us, there’s no doubt. Many experts wrote about families and how to survive them, that’s actually a real title of a book.

Nevertheless, when we grow up we should have developed all the tools to help us cope with these gaps. But it’s hard if you haven’t figured them out yet. I knew there was something a bit off and tried to fix it my way by reading, meditating, discovering buddhism. Even if it was not exactly clear what it was and why it was there in the first place.

Back to the present, like everybody it was hard to face these crazy times…With also some unhelpful people around. Like my mother, who still keeps her natural talent for catching me off-guard and pissing me off. I could probably retire ten years as a monk in Tibet and still that wouldn’t change. Never lose the chance for a joke, I think my dad would agree on that.

So, right before getting old I guess I know why I’ve been feeling off at times. That didn’t prevent me from living a good — mildly happy — life, travelling a lot and meeting great people. Yet, without that burden carried for years I would have smiled immensely more and maybe recenly I would have seen that storm coming, at least on a personal level.

Please, don’t make the same mistake! If something deep inside keeps bothering you, don’t be scared. Don’t bury it and pretend that everything is fine. Take your time to face it. Give it a label, even a colour. Remember, it’s just a warning. Ask your whys and look for the root. When you think you have found it, just try to stay there. Welcome it. This awareness will enable you to find the proper counter-measurers.

Then you’ll see it magically start to lose the grip and slowly fade away. Is it worth all the effort? Yes! The sooner the better. Everybody is bothered by something but we are stronger than our sorrows. You just need to find a way before it’s too late, as it happened to me. There are your wellbeing, your relationships and your whole life at stake.